phinx

c bf

july 26, 2008 (saturday at 12:59am)

we were enjoying each other's company... i thought at that moment that would be the right time for me to accept him. we were happy. thoughts ran through my mind how would be it like to be on his side. perhaps, he'd always be there; helping me doing my assignments, projects, reports, keeping me up when i'm down, walking with me when the rain starts to fall, joining me in my best days under the sun, et cetera... but... it was of very opposite to what i thought later on.

my man, my bf... i'm very proud of him: he's smart (it is definitely what i'm looking for in a guy), his achievements on whatever aspect it may be and his stand in life. he's mature enough to handle any situations. he's firm and never gets afraid in any troubles. however, there's something missing. i love him yet i don't see himself as a bf material to me; not the typical "romeo". he's a busy man and has sometimes no time for me at all. he seldom sends messages on my phone. i'm not use to this. he's absolutely PASSIVE! how will i overcome this?? sometimes i find myself hugging my pillow and crying at night. he doesn't seem to care about me. by the way, he's planning to leave for australia where he wants to take up his another degree. what will just happen to us then? LDR? as in long distance relationship? can't survive that. all he thinks is to travel outside the philippines. he loves it... and i can do nothing about it. now i'm starting to hate myself for putting my path across with his. oh yes i have him, but it's as if we're good as nothing. grrr!!! one thing, i'm a jealous gal. i get jealous of his girl friends. i always put color to every situation in which his girl friends are involved. i feel as if i'm a little seed which stops from its growth.

i miss him... i miss the old merlo. can't stop myself from crying right now. can't make myself go away from him and start a new venture. i love him... i really do... i wish we'll go back to the times same as what this picture of us below conveys about a happy relationship and commitment.

uNtitLeD...

There are times that you just have to leave the thing that happened which you never did something for it to be yours. You might say it’s okay but the fact that you keep on thinking if ever you fought for it, would it still be the same? If ever you want and really need to have it, then do something, or else…time just passes by… You cannot summon the time to turn back. Perhaps you would have in your mind “if only”.

In my life I have decisions which most of them lead me to “if only”. It’s fine. I do not blame myself for it. We all learn from our mistakes. That’s an old cliché yet definitely right. In life, there’s no turning point. That’s why you have to be careful in everything. You calculate on things for you to arrive at an absolute point. But what’s the sense if it’s wrong in the end? Well then, that’s the sad part. We’re not the super psychic people. We only speculate and anticipate.

Sometimes, I wish I have never been born. But no! That’s a great sin to the Lord. He gave this life for me. I must be thankful. In this imperfect world, He’s there to guide us and reminds us that in His presence everything is perfect. 

tRUe LoVe

 

  “Love one another” is God’s commandment to us; simple and very easy to follow. Yet with that simple commandment a lot of crimes and destructions among people are making them detach from one another. God’s commandment is easy but why is it difficult for us people to obey or what keep us from obeying it? Upon reading the book of John in the bible, it makes me realize how great God is. He loves us so much and gives us His lamb for us to be saved. Jesus, His son, sacrificed his life for us. Isn’t that a great manifestation of His love as well as Jesus’?

There’s this story told by a priest during a mass. A man and his brother are away from their parents. The man studies and does everything he could while his brother does not care about their parents; everything. He uses his allowance for prohibited drugs, beer and others. His brother is always reprimanded by him yet does not listen to him. One night, his brother comes home with a bloody shirt. He’s troubled and asks what happen. His brother has encountered a fight and has stabbed somebody. He’s so afraid that he hugs him so tight with tears in his eyes. So as not to be harmed by those policemen, he takes off his brother’s bloody shirt and wears it. He washes his brother’s body and spread the blood over his. Police officers arrive and arrest him for the crime he committed which is actually done by his brother. He’s imprisoned.

I’m so touch of what the man does for his brother. He’s willing to die for his brother just as Jesus did when he died on the cross. He shows us the example of undying love regardless of how cruel his brother is.

God loves us despite of our being a sinner.  He looks for us when we are lost. In his hands, everything is in control.

God also brings out the best in us. He loves us that is why he’s doing the best which nobody could ever replace. Better? Of course everybody wants the best…

If we love one another, we love Jesus, thus, we love God. Doing this glorifies God. Take time to listen to His voice.

an essay on sigaw ng kabataang pinoy

i would just like to share my essay with you guys...

             The Philippine history under the Spanish regime makes me feel pity for the Filipinos. The oppression and all the hardships had caused much trouble physically and psychologically. Filipinos those days were not given the freedom. Hence, they suffered anguish and felt hopeless for the bright future. No other than our national hero, Dr. Jose Rizal, had made such an effort for the betterment of our country. He expressed everything that would aide the Filipinos on what must be done. That has enraged to the consternation of the Spaniards and cropped out Rizal’s exile to Dapitan. Regardless of his expulsion, he was never intimidated of his writings for he believed the truth underlies with it. In his writings, he stressed how the Filipinos were suppressed and led to make a revolt.

             In 1887 and 1897, he wrote the two novels that are extant today: Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo. These works of Rizal have alarmed both parties and marked the rise of revolution. On June 12, 1898, the Philippines gained its independence over the Spanish colonial supremacy in spite of having strengthless weapons. They had come to realize their insistence or had the will to perfection upon putting brilliance for our country from that day on.

             Rizal wrote not merely on Social Cancer and The Reign of the Greed but also writings pertaining to youngster generation. He pointed out that the youngsters of today are the hopes for a brilliant tomorrow. “Kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan”. We keep on hearing this phrase and has been passed on to others. The fact that the young people today are far different from yesterday is sarcastic. Gone are the days of solace among the youth for it has grown into juvenile delinquency. They are being exposed to distracting elements that affect our country. Even at a young age, some are being taught of corruption. Moreover, the status quo on youths in the aspect of education is frustrating. How could the youths be the hope of the fatherland where in fact they are not granted the chance and are being deprived of their rights? Young people today are at stake.

             Furthermore, what setting have we observed in our Philippine government today? It is crammed up with problems: political unrest, unstable economy, unemployment, overpopulation, and the like. Nonetheless, our country never loses hope to set out the best we aspire for.

             Our past is something that will give us strength to pursue and unite us as one. It will carry us through to a vision that is filled with a likelihood of success. Like a river that flows freely, Filipinos must continue to summon the veil of the future that craves for the will to perfection. We must act on it in order not to be left out in the dark trap. As the saying goes, “There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel”. It is instilled in every heart of the Filipinos the desire for a change, and we must be open to that. We are to encourage everyone. Each of us is endowed with abilities. So why don’t we use it for the Philippine republic advancement? Fighting through physical strength is not the answer. After all, once physical strength has left you, you are as good as dead. Let us get up! We, as Filipinos, must take the lead and continue what has been started.

time heals

     “Why does it have to be an ending? Why do flowers die? Why do branches fall from trees? Why is it when it’s sunny rainy day takes place? Why do hearts that beat as one fall apart in the end?

     “Love is a many splendor thing” as a song goes. Well, I think so. But it has been splendid to me in a short time. I don’t know why but when it comes to love I don’t have much the luck. I sometimes wonder if I’m destined to it. We have the right to love and to be loved anyway but I guess I don’t have the chance to this right.

     It’s not easy to be rejected. You don’t know what you’re going to do in the first place. I almost went crazy. I felt terrible. I felt like nobody likes me. And I had this suicidal attempt. But I thought it wasn’t right so I indulge myself to many activities but I haven’t recovered yet.

     It’s not easy for me to be left alone, especially when it’s been a year that we were together. It’s hard to forget the person who has been a friend, a brother, a father and of course who used to be your special someone. He really means a lot to me. With the love and care he showed to me I didn’t feel any sign of emptiness. Now that he’s gone what will be left to me are the memories we shared. He’s not my first love but it was in him that I felt the real essence of love. But what can I do? He’s gone and I could not take him back. And I know neither of us is to be blamed. I don’t have to blame him. I don’t know if he wants to blame me. I do believe in fate. And what happened to us was our fate.

     Well, then it’s normal. You have to be hurt in order to be strong.

     The journey in my life must go on… Everything happens for a reason. I know everything will be set accordingly someday.”

    This is what I felt before. Now that I’ve found him I won’t be left alone in emptiness. He’s a blessing.

change...

Storm and thunder passed on me,

I enjoyed playing in glee;

Looking for a perfect bloom,

Without knowing on its loom.

Cheers and jeers from outside world,

I did it without much curled;

Collected stones on my way,

Selected and threw on hay.

I ignored the rain that poured,

Without looking, myself burned;

Like a bee wooing same rose,

Didn’t mind on its oppose.

Still my adventure went on,

Haven’t expected the dawn;

Unaware on things around;

A nightmare! It was profound.

Can’t face the reality,

It was an enormity;

I found my life as futile,

I guessed fate has been hostile.

Then came the time of sunrise,

Felt nice in the morning rise;

Still I can’t escape the darkness,

And so I searched for brightness.

It came I saw a rose bud,

On its first glance, it was odd;

It grew and was developed,

Staying was my thought to opt.

There goes a hideous insect,

I wonder; thought to suspect;

Yet I’ve made a decision,

I lay on my perception.

I know everything won’t last,

I don’t think of it so fast;

Every horizon I view,

Reminds me I shall pursue.

other way round...='(

           i miss the old times. i miss those times enjoying myself free from discomforts. i don't think i'm totally happy of my life's status right now. it's quite hard for me to understand why things should be like this or like that. is it necessary for me to do "this"? i need reassurance. i feel uncomfortable about this. i wonder why until now i'm still craving for the thing that once happened in my life to happen again. sometimes, when i'm lying in my bed, i keep imagining things that are pretty impossible to take place. i hate this feeling where i'm still hoping for "it" to come. huh?! what are you thinking sof? what am i thinking? do the people around me would be happy about it? and to think i might hurt somebody... stupid! can't i go on the other way round? i'm full of doubts this time. huhuhu... oh no! this can't be happening. do i want to be free? am i really happy?  come on... i want to be real. i don't want to pretend. i don't like it when someday "he/she" calls me wicked. am i really that bad? i'm happy from the very beginning. i was thinking that time that "this" would be nice. "this" is the beginning of hope. but as i go along, i have come up with a realization that no, this is "too good" for me. i mean, i don't deserve it. i feel insecure. i prefer the other one. i just hope and pray i'll be get through this.

another phase

"to remain what you are is impossible. you must die or be better".

i'm taking the another phase of my journey. i'm somewhat afraid of it. feels like my fears are always blocking me. i'm still adusting right now. this is what i hate, the adjustment. i guess i can do nothing with that. it always enters the picture. i even have a hard time due to the fact that i'm not use to it. despite of that, i always look at the bright side. that's what the stoic philosphy says anyway. well, this is what i chose so i must face the consequences underlie with it.   

it's my birthday!

it's my birthday!

huhuhu... it feels like i'm at the peak of a mountain. i'm 19 and will be turning 20 next year. ohh... ='c

anyway, i'm so happy. i just can't explain it why. everybody greeted me. and of course, someone special had made my birthday complete.

...(^^,)...

i have to go

i guess i have to go. i guess this is the right thing to do. i don't want to hurt other people. i don't want to be hurt as well.